Dec 2, 2010

Notes for My Son

A short but growing list of things every Dad should share with his son:

On hands in pockets:
Thumbs out, cool.

Thumbs in, itching your balls.

On bathroom exits:
Thumbs in pockets, spread. Feel loose? Your fly is down.

On talking while you pee:
Grunts are fine. Talk with friends. Never respond to, "hey, look at this." Ever.

Make your own HR bubble. Never trust anyone else's.

Never say "I love you" for the first time via text. Twitter is fine.

The only thing you should pay for with scrounged up pennies is beer.

All cars stop pretty much the same in snow and ice. Even cars with four wheel drive.

Strap it up before you slap it up.

Eat anything once. Unless it can finger paint.

Large quantities of many different beers are cool. Large quantities of one beer isn't.

Lube liberally.

Whether you know it or you don't: Google it.

Question authority but generally just ignore it.

A one stall women's bathroom = unisex.

Unisex clothing is not something you should wear.

Sweatpants are not clothes we wear in public. Or private.

Gay or straight, don't put your junk in anything you don't know.

Don't fight strangers. They could be psychotic. Fight your friends.

Never sucker punch anyone. Have the courtesy to tell them your going to hit them beforehand.

No handshakes over 3 steps. A knuckle bump, finger shake, fist pound is fine. That plus 3 more moves means you stayed up all night braiding each others hair, talking about boys and figuring thy handshake out. A simple firm handshake is more cool anyway.

On The Three Second rule:
If you see it fall on the ground and never lose eye contact with it, it could be the 5 minute rule. Eye contact is the key.

On roadside talent:
Be careful. What looks interesting from behind could be a toothless crack whore from the front. Or a dude.

On the courtesy flush:
Taking a 45 minute iPhone app powered dump? Do yourself and your fellow bathroom users a favor and flush that stink down. It's called a courtesy flush. Do it.

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